Welcome to week three, friends!
This week’s giveaway is a book near and dear to my cold, miserly writing heart. And it comes with a story, lucky you!
Last year on my birthday I was at the Book Expo of America or BEA, a huge gathering of bookish types showing off their new products for the summer and fall and beyond. Books as far as the eye could see! And one of my favorite writers, Chuck Wendig, was having a signing off at a little place in Brooklyn.
He and I had corresponded a little, so it was great to go and meet him at his signing, (along with other awesome authors and folks: John Hornor Jacobs, Joelle Charbonneau, their agent Stacia Decker, Mike Underwood and more!).
And upon meeting, Chuck actually took the time to listen to me prattle and ramble about my life and my writing, and was very supportive. And upon learning it was my birthday, he gave me a chocolate bar from his bag. Whaddaguy! Sure, it turned out to be a block of Bolivian tar, and I still catch glimpses of Things from the corner of my eye, but still, very generous of him.
So this week, in testament to his awesomeness, I am giving away a copy of his writing book, The Kick-Ass Writer to one lucky soul. Filled with over a thousand tips and tricks, Chuck will help steer you in the right direction and become the Kick-Ass writer you always knew you could be!
To enter, simply comment below, and answer me this:
Chuck’s online persona is one of immense adventure, cursing, vitriol, glee and caffeinated wisdom. If you could replace any character in fiction with Chuck Wendig, what character would it be? Would he be Luke Skywalker’s whiskey-drinking Jedi mentor? Or perhaps, a super caffeinated Indiana Jones hoping to find lost Penmonkey Treasure?
Tell me what story you would want to see Chuck in, and what would happen to enter!
Martin Cahill 
Oh, I would totally see Chuck replacing Chuck in the television series Chuck. Because, you know, meta. But also because I think it would be hilarious to see what he would do with that level of brain-fuckery.
Yeah, a Wendig giveaway! I would love to see Chuck take on the role of Baloo in The Jungle Book (Kipling) in all his pantsless, boozy, deadline-crunching, creatively profane glory. That would man up Mowgli right quick.
I would separate Chuck into four broad generalities of Chuck-ness and with each one replace a member of the bridge crew of Star Trek:TOS. Captain Cherk would be played by the Chuck some of us have been fortunate to meet, Real Life Chuck. Advising Captain R.L. Cherk is SpockChuck, the plotter, the portion of Chuck that writes outlines and would love it if love weren’t an emotion. SpockChuck is the analytical writing mind. The creative side, the part that lets him turn a colorful phrase involving the manner in which dogs procreate and how like or unlike one’s mother that may be is BonesChuck. Dammit, he’s a Penmonkey, not a glitter-strewn dildo-corn!
And of course down in engineering we have a certain other kind of Chuck we all know and love…the rest of the crew has nicknamed him Scotchy.
Uhura will be played by one Miriam Black herself. If Capt. Cherk tries any of that kissing bullshit she’ll cut off his balls with her switchblade and put him one those goddamned skirts.
(All apologies to Chuck Wendig and anyone else who reads this)
Hmmm . . . I can see The Chuck in a pantless version of HR PuffNStuff. Think about it. Chuck in the middle of a bunch of Sid and Marty Krofft acid-induced life-size puppets teaching kids the important lessons in life. And Chuck could come up with a proper rhyme for “oranges.”
I’m telling ya . . . “The Oranges”
Any kid’s show really . . . “And today’s show is brought to you by the letters F and Y.”
Terri
Definitely the “other mother” from Coraline because let’s face it, that would be hilarious. (“Coraline! Get your ass back here and let me sew these buttons on your eyes you little shit!”).
I’m going to be brutally honest here: I could see Chuck as Jack Torrance, mainly because I could totally see bdubs as Danny.
And mainly because Chuck is the only person I could picture having a lot of fun swinging a roquet mallet around while going fucking crazy.
If I could replace a fictional character with Chuck Wendig, I’d probably replace him with Eddard Stark from A Song of Ice and Fire.
Now before anyone comments on how cliche that sounds (of course, choose from a popular series, har har), just think about it for a second.
Ned Stark is an honorable guy, to a fault. Chuck is also honorable… And deadly honest about what he thinks of you. I can just imagine what he would have told Ceresi when Ned revealed his knowledge about Joffery.
“You wouldn’t say a word, Chuck. In the game of thrones, you live or you die.”
“Yeah, but I can also parade around in my underwear with a direwolf dressed in motley, but that won’t happen. You’re going down, bitch.”
Grizzly Adams, and it’s not just the beard. Ok, it’s mostly the beard. But with Chuck in the role, he could channel his inner mule Number 7 and let the NSFW fly. Didn’t Mad Jack bring GA bags of coffee? (Hmm, Denver Pyle… Uncle Jesse… also a possibility.) Chuck’s GA is taking advantage of the isolation of being on the lam to get some writing done. And his humble readers are all the wildlife being trained to follow in his authorial footsteps. (Chuck, can I be a bobcat? My first instinct was cougar, but I don’t think I’m old enough to be a cougar, and my husband might have objections.)
How about Chuck replacing Samwise Gamgee in LOTR?
He could tell Frodo when he was being an ass and take the One Ring for himself…
I’d like to see Chuck as brilliant-but-eccentric Lazlo Hollyfeld from the movie Real Genius. Living in a series of steam tunnels under a college campus, entering sweepstakes’ (no purchase necessary), and winning 32.6% of the prizes.
And in the end, when the bad guy’s house is knocked off of its foundation by a ton of exploding popcorn, he’ll frolic in the buttery goodness while berating the now-vanquished villain, “Whether you’re an alpha male or a wanna-be alpha, some faux bro-dude bad-ass or some repressed alley-dwelling CHUD, it matters little. I don’t care who you are; your maleness does not entitle you to anything.”
I would replace the crazy horrible colonel in Avatar with Wendig.
It would make the movie almost watchable.
Hopefully Chuck could also then rewrite all the dialog, plot, subtext, metaphor, conflict, scenes, credits and subtitles as well.
Bang for your buck people!
I’d replace Ursula from Disney’s Little Mermaid because Chuck wearing a sexy, black, backless dress and red lipstick, stalking around and singing “Poor Unfortunate Souls” would be PRICELESS.
He could replace Spider Jerusalem from Transmetropolitan. A little more hair, more booze instead of hard future drugs but beyond that little changes.